Furniture Nirvana !

They are here ! They are here !! The Swedes are here to put our lives on an assembly line. The new IKEA is finally here. And, of all the days I chose a weekend to check out what the commotion was all about. The heat index that afternoon was well above 100 deg F. After a breathtaking parking stunt and a one mile walk to the store, I was hoping they would calm my pre-shopping woes by greeting me with ABBA's Nina, Pretty Ballerina or Dancing queen. They probably arent too proud of this swedish band as much we aren't proud of Michael Jackson.

I was navigating through acres of lumber and some "oh-so-retro" lighting fixtures and coffee tables. The swedish signboards are of great help!

It occured me that these guys pretty much cater to all furniture/ home decor needs for every thinkable life change. From cribs to bunk beds. From dorm room supplies to "king" sized alibis to make love. From wedding registries to funeral paraphernalia.

It would be a fascinating socio-ethnographic study if we confine a couple of newborns (no opposite gender prefernces! Its midtown) and watch them grow through their teen ->adolescent->adult->senior-> veteran years inside IKEA ala the bold and unprecedented Biosphere project. The store is self-contained and does have a cafetaria serving rich Swedish food.

IKEA's vastly resourceful business management talent would find out from the results of this study that there is a huge cross sell market that escaped Ingvar Kamprad's creative mind. A market to house these additional services inside the IKEA store:

• Wedding chapels Vegas style - Because your girl friend could be going "Awww !! thats a such nice dinner table. Lets get married pronto, buy that table and throw a dinner party"
• Private Intimate rooms with candles and caviars from the cafetaria - Because your wife could be going "Honey! those do-it-yourself cribs are sooo cute. I think we need to make a baby pronto"

Furthermore, all shoppers entering IKEA would have the ability to choose a shopping experience personalized and designed based on their impending life change.

Or, one could choose the complete choice plan. Imagine! an assembly line for "Life" where everything will be mechanized. Come, embrace this furniture nirvana!!!!

Harry Potter And The Hunt for The Queer Prince

Its 2020. Alas! Hollywood has filmed every science fiction that HG Wells or JG Ballard ever wrote. Spielberg has filed for bankruptcy. He is just waking up to the fact that the Social Security benefits were never meant for him.

Hollywood is now turning to fantasy writers for story ideas. The Potter franchise is still going strong and JK Rowling is on the verge of finishing her 12th release - "Harry Potter and the hunt for the queer Prince". As always, the story is a closely guarded secret and Rowling has refused to provide any previews. Luckily, the British maggots, I mean the tabloids got a unusual tip off from a waiter. He serves at the famed coffee shop where Rowling wrote this 12th book. Here's what we found out.

Potter sports short, spiky, gelled hair to hide his 30 something balding head. Hermoine flunked all her classes at Hogwarts since "Half blood prince" and so lost all her witchcraftery. She has moved in with Potter who now owns a opulent loft in Queersville. Ron refused to be the subservient sidekick to Potter and has started his own enterprise. The two however get along famously on the personal front as "friends". You see the reason why Harry and Ron moved to queersville is because they wanted to "see other people" after the stormy, abusive relationship they had as lovers.

Draco Malfoy has abducted the prince of queersville. Hermoine's only hope to recover her witchcraft skills is if she experiences conjugal bliss with the prince. Harry and Ron have joined hands (and more) again to rescue the prince.

Rowling's last 4 books have been banned in France because she accepted the honorary US citizenship. So rumor has it that Rowling has thrown in a little menaje-a-trois between Harry, Hermoine and Ron to appease the French readers.

Warner Bros has already signed Peter Jackson (LOTR and King Kong fame) to make the film version of this 12th book. Peter who has now put on 100lbs more since his LOTR days has decided to direct this film from his super speciality bed which has voice recognition software that transmits kinetic motion to the cameras. An ageing Orlando Bloom is playing the role of Harry. Lindsey Lohan plays Hermoine and Ron is played by the 20 year old Brit-Am, Rocco. You will remember him as the famed baby that Guy Ritchie and Madonna practiced parenting skills on.

A screenwriter's epiphany and some not so mundane influences

A blow hot, blow cold love triangle, an Agoraphobic, "Oops! I just found out I have a 5 year old" wake-up-call for a man, reality TV show meets real life, copious scope for item numbers and phoren locales laden with snow capped mountains and acres of tulip gardens. Welcome "Dil ki Daiyrey" (DKD)- my first attempt to cater to the "masti" seeking, "ek dum jakaas" Bollywood crowd. Note that it could be "Hriday" instead of "Dil". But, I am not going to break the formula of romanticized urdu.

No!! Its not a knee jerk reaction from the angst of my last post. Sneaky_S, You can still lobby for my "knotful of karma" !! and my yet to be written, "Ma kasam ! Mein date pe Jaoonga".

I hope to finish writing DKD by mid winter with ample support from tapori pundits out there !! (A_Chote_Kutcher included). Any line but "Would you like to have some Taaaaeee?". God save the Brits!!!

On a more bereaving note, we lost a great screenwriter in Ernest Lehman (Hitchcock's North by Northwest). Here's one of the coolest scene (audio link) between Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint.

Other compelling influences this past week:

• Reading Azar Nafisi's "Reading Lolita in Tehran" - very incisive rhetoric analysis of Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita and its interpretation of feminism in Ayotallah Khomeini's Iran. I like the dissection of words and thoughts quoted from Nabakov's book more than the the feminist interpretations which gets quite banal at times. Coming to think of it, Stanley Kubrick's Lolita sure did capture the sexual imagery of Humbert's rage and posessiveness for his daughter Lolita as much as Nafisi's graphic narration.
• Russell Crowe's 1994 flick Sum of Us - Real!!!! Ahead of its times. Witty lines. Poignant plots.
• 2002 Vintage "Goats Do Roam" from South Africa - Was trying this red for the first time. Had lotsa plums. Less Oaky. If you detest Cab Sauv, this is a great alternative.
• Monster_Gal - Even her "Hello" has a mellow
• Dad's classy composure, Mom's penchant for metaphors and symbolism
• Hooters - My waitress sneaking to the corner of the restaurant and reading up about Agamemnon and the Trojan war for her Tuesday World Lit test. BTW, their Naked Daytona (No pun there. Its Wings that are grilled and is not breaded) is the best chicken I have ever had.
  
• Trash_Man's story about living life like James Bond. When the Russians come, humping is the last thing on your mind.