Two Blows and a prescription pill a.k.a my film musings
So yeah!!! For lack of better things to start, I figured I will post my film musings. This appears in the spring issue of Rivaaj, an atlanta based fashion, schmooze mag.
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Two Blows and a prescription pill a.k.a my film musings
“Hurry ! I can’t give you anymore grace time. Are you saying none of the Woods (she means Bolly, Kolly, Tolly) have made films worth writing about? ” quipped, my editor. My editor’s frustrated inquisitiveness made me ponder. I could write about bad flicks, I thought. “Oh My”, that would mean I would write an epic and make my editor even more frustrated for not sparing any pages for the advertisers. At 900 productions a year coming from the ‘Eastern Woods’, I couldn’t find a single mainstream fresh flick that I could write about. Parallel cinema – that’s my pill. I will save that for later. For now, here’s my dirge, euphemistically disguised as my musings.
How to name it? – a Bollywood reference guide
“Has anyone seen Shwaas, India’s entry to the 2005 Oscars?”, I painstakingly attempted a segue, when I sensed a temporary pause in a conversation that stretched from the rise of India’s outsourcing prowess to the use of right syntax when using Java Swing classes, I know! I know! I thought it was some kind of urban hip dance style too, but I digress. So, I got this empty stare for a response, the one you get for butting into a perfectly fine small talk. Some sympathizing soul in the group ventured to take the conversation further. She went “…uh! Hmm…It doesn’t have too many words for a title...are you sure it’s not a documentary or one of those artsy fartsy Phillums”. Thank you. Thank you Mr Karan Johar. Thank you Mr Aditya Chopra. Thank you Mr LongMovieNameFetished producer babus – no, it’s not my pretentious due diligence while accepting the gold statue. We now have a growing breed of Bollywood movie fanatics who carry their measuring tapes on Friday mornings just in case they decide to check out a matinee show – with titles having long romanticized urdu words - some tongue twisters, some just too long that you would have to take a pit stop saying it. Enter Bollywood’s quick fix solution and Praise the Lord! We have begun to accept the culture of Uber-friendly acronyms (watch out Yahoo dwellers using BRB, IMHO, TTYL, ROTFL!!). Right from QSQT that set the screens on fire with a six pack flinching boy who meets a pigeon loving gal (Dubya!! it’s a Bollywood conspiracy for peace) to KKKG that was one long commercial for fine drapes and other home improvement products and something about parental anxiety. Then came along a dare-to-be-iconoclast who changed the rules - he pondered, he tapped his ass before realizing its his head he should be tapping to invoke the emotion of thinking and in an almost Archimedean burst felt “ That’s it !!! That’s really it…I just need to put a short sentence right after my one-word movie title”, and so was born titles like “Rog – When love is a disease”, “Madhoshi – an illusion beyond imagination” - How Clever! Miramax could take a few Marketing 101 tips from our Bokadias and Bhagnanis. Miramax sure could have thought of “Aviator – Spread your wings of desire” or “Finding Neverland – Don’t give up on your search”. As for me, I am still planning to write this epic love story – MKMDPJ – Ma Kasam Mein Date Pe Jaoonga
Diaries of an Anonymous “Item Number” Gal
Old school titillation – The village damsel walks miles away to fetch drinking water, she comes back to the village, the rain gods just then become generous and oh! She just happens to be wearing a white sari. Mr Romeo spots her, mojo strikes and viola! We have a classic.
New school titillation – What Village? ? What Sari? ? We are all chic thong clad urbanites, skinny dipping is our passion, we sweat to trance driven sounds in dark, dim lit conclaves, we have the talent for photo shoots where we contort our bodies without giving away much, yet taking away a lot, We are what bourgeois people like you call as the “item numbers”. We shake our fine gym toned gluteal (booties for all you perverts!) to Anu Malik meets Paul Van Dyke and that’s all we do. This is the age of ingenuous specialization baby!! So what if we don’t get to go to Switzerland like the other gal in the movie who wears her ghungat staring through a sieve to watch the moon in a supposed act of protecting her husband from all evil forces. And here’s news! We actually get to keep all those Dolce Gabanna swim wears while their Manish Malhotra Cholis gets auctioned away – what a bunch of losers. Some of us face identity crisis in the heartlands of Juhu and Malabar Hills – You see!! We are what the industry-wallahs call as the “imports”. I am from Russia and Illene, my friend, who I shared an apartment with in Chembur, before moving to this ocean-view dwelling, is from South Africa. So, news flash! I got myself an agent in LA. I hear, those guys on Sunset Boulevard think that there’s a big market for item numbers in Hollywood productions – why else do you think ‘60 minutes’ carried a special on Aishwarya Rai? – granted she rules here, but out there she sure has the talent for an upscale item number. Did you know that Tarantino was that close to getting Uma do an item number for Kill Bill – he then realized that she wiggling her feet to cure her paralyzed leg was enough of titillation. Well! It’s been a long day dancing by fire pits smeared with mud – a few more minutes, I swear I could have baked a clay mini-me. So the next time you come out to the movies, do cheer for us, more than just drool. We will give you the best eight minutes for the sake of which you waste your three hours.
The Pill - DVD Watch List
The next time you are stacking up your Netflix order list and if you want to break away from you long titled, ‘item number’ endowed, rehash of a Hollywood hit (not even adapted) and if you don’t mind watching a few subtitled flicks, look for these recent ones that are on DVD now:
• Autograph – Tamil – A simple tale of a man reminiscing his past relationships leading up to his wedding day. Song and dance and all, but a tight narrative.
• Abar Aranya (In the forest again) – Bengali – Gautam Ghose’s sequel to Satyajit Ray’s Aranyer Din Ratri (Days And Nights In The Forest)
• Shwaas – Marathi – Story of a grandfather helping his grandson come to terms with his inevitable blindness. Could have use better editing, but worth the watch.
• Akale – Malayalam - based on the Tennessee Williams play The Glass Menagerie
• Little Terrorist – Hindi Short Film (15 minutes) – It’s about Jamal, a 10 year old boy from Pakistan whose cricket ball strays in to the Indian side of the border. It creates hue and cry about a suspected intrusion.
• Amu – Konkana SenSharma as a video cam trotting UCLA grad investigating the after effects of the 1984 riots in Delhi in the wake of the Prime Minister’s assassination.
• Maqbool – An adaptation of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Read my review in the Fall 2004 edition
• Travelers and Magicians – Dzongkha (Bhutanese) – By the Director of the “The Cup”, Khyentse Norbu. About two men and their journey towards a dream. The first feature length film made in Bhutan.
• Born into Brothels – Docudrama - An award-winning photographer, Zana Briski (Director) befriended the children of Sonagachi (Calcutta’s red light district), starting a photography workshop for them and equipping them each with their own camera.
Here’s my chance to do a little plug-in. So, yours truly was working through winter screenwriting a comedy about relationships – straight and otherwise. It’s slated to go into production early summer. Watch out for “A Knot, Full of Karma”. Until then, hit me up at girimohan@hotmail.com if you want to talk films or about my musings.
---------
Two Blows and a prescription pill a.k.a my film musings
“Hurry ! I can’t give you anymore grace time. Are you saying none of the Woods (she means Bolly, Kolly, Tolly) have made films worth writing about? ” quipped, my editor. My editor’s frustrated inquisitiveness made me ponder. I could write about bad flicks, I thought. “Oh My”, that would mean I would write an epic and make my editor even more frustrated for not sparing any pages for the advertisers. At 900 productions a year coming from the ‘Eastern Woods’, I couldn’t find a single mainstream fresh flick that I could write about. Parallel cinema – that’s my pill. I will save that for later. For now, here’s my dirge, euphemistically disguised as my musings.
How to name it? – a Bollywood reference guide
“Has anyone seen Shwaas, India’s entry to the 2005 Oscars?”, I painstakingly attempted a segue, when I sensed a temporary pause in a conversation that stretched from the rise of India’s outsourcing prowess to the use of right syntax when using Java Swing classes, I know! I know! I thought it was some kind of urban hip dance style too, but I digress. So, I got this empty stare for a response, the one you get for butting into a perfectly fine small talk. Some sympathizing soul in the group ventured to take the conversation further. She went “…uh! Hmm…It doesn’t have too many words for a title...are you sure it’s not a documentary or one of those artsy fartsy Phillums”. Thank you. Thank you Mr Karan Johar. Thank you Mr Aditya Chopra. Thank you Mr LongMovieNameFetished producer babus – no, it’s not my pretentious due diligence while accepting the gold statue. We now have a growing breed of Bollywood movie fanatics who carry their measuring tapes on Friday mornings just in case they decide to check out a matinee show – with titles having long romanticized urdu words - some tongue twisters, some just too long that you would have to take a pit stop saying it. Enter Bollywood’s quick fix solution and Praise the Lord! We have begun to accept the culture of Uber-friendly acronyms (watch out Yahoo dwellers using BRB, IMHO, TTYL, ROTFL!!). Right from QSQT that set the screens on fire with a six pack flinching boy who meets a pigeon loving gal (Dubya!! it’s a Bollywood conspiracy for peace) to KKKG that was one long commercial for fine drapes and other home improvement products and something about parental anxiety. Then came along a dare-to-be-iconoclast who changed the rules - he pondered, he tapped his ass before realizing its his head he should be tapping to invoke the emotion of thinking and in an almost Archimedean burst felt “ That’s it !!! That’s really it…I just need to put a short sentence right after my one-word movie title”, and so was born titles like “Rog – When love is a disease”, “Madhoshi – an illusion beyond imagination” - How Clever! Miramax could take a few Marketing 101 tips from our Bokadias and Bhagnanis. Miramax sure could have thought of “Aviator – Spread your wings of desire” or “Finding Neverland – Don’t give up on your search”. As for me, I am still planning to write this epic love story – MKMDPJ – Ma Kasam Mein Date Pe Jaoonga
Diaries of an Anonymous “Item Number” Gal
Old school titillation – The village damsel walks miles away to fetch drinking water, she comes back to the village, the rain gods just then become generous and oh! She just happens to be wearing a white sari. Mr Romeo spots her, mojo strikes and viola! We have a classic.
New school titillation – What Village? ? What Sari? ? We are all chic thong clad urbanites, skinny dipping is our passion, we sweat to trance driven sounds in dark, dim lit conclaves, we have the talent for photo shoots where we contort our bodies without giving away much, yet taking away a lot, We are what bourgeois people like you call as the “item numbers”. We shake our fine gym toned gluteal (booties for all you perverts!) to Anu Malik meets Paul Van Dyke and that’s all we do. This is the age of ingenuous specialization baby!! So what if we don’t get to go to Switzerland like the other gal in the movie who wears her ghungat staring through a sieve to watch the moon in a supposed act of protecting her husband from all evil forces. And here’s news! We actually get to keep all those Dolce Gabanna swim wears while their Manish Malhotra Cholis gets auctioned away – what a bunch of losers. Some of us face identity crisis in the heartlands of Juhu and Malabar Hills – You see!! We are what the industry-wallahs call as the “imports”. I am from Russia and Illene, my friend, who I shared an apartment with in Chembur, before moving to this ocean-view dwelling, is from South Africa. So, news flash! I got myself an agent in LA. I hear, those guys on Sunset Boulevard think that there’s a big market for item numbers in Hollywood productions – why else do you think ‘60 minutes’ carried a special on Aishwarya Rai? – granted she rules here, but out there she sure has the talent for an upscale item number. Did you know that Tarantino was that close to getting Uma do an item number for Kill Bill – he then realized that she wiggling her feet to cure her paralyzed leg was enough of titillation. Well! It’s been a long day dancing by fire pits smeared with mud – a few more minutes, I swear I could have baked a clay mini-me. So the next time you come out to the movies, do cheer for us, more than just drool. We will give you the best eight minutes for the sake of which you waste your three hours.
The Pill - DVD Watch List
The next time you are stacking up your Netflix order list and if you want to break away from you long titled, ‘item number’ endowed, rehash of a Hollywood hit (not even adapted) and if you don’t mind watching a few subtitled flicks, look for these recent ones that are on DVD now:
• Autograph – Tamil – A simple tale of a man reminiscing his past relationships leading up to his wedding day. Song and dance and all, but a tight narrative.
• Abar Aranya (In the forest again) – Bengali – Gautam Ghose’s sequel to Satyajit Ray’s Aranyer Din Ratri (Days And Nights In The Forest)
• Shwaas – Marathi – Story of a grandfather helping his grandson come to terms with his inevitable blindness. Could have use better editing, but worth the watch.
• Akale – Malayalam - based on the Tennessee Williams play The Glass Menagerie
• Little Terrorist – Hindi Short Film (15 minutes) – It’s about Jamal, a 10 year old boy from Pakistan whose cricket ball strays in to the Indian side of the border. It creates hue and cry about a suspected intrusion.
• Amu – Konkana SenSharma as a video cam trotting UCLA grad investigating the after effects of the 1984 riots in Delhi in the wake of the Prime Minister’s assassination.
• Maqbool – An adaptation of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Read my review in the Fall 2004 edition
• Travelers and Magicians – Dzongkha (Bhutanese) – By the Director of the “The Cup”, Khyentse Norbu. About two men and their journey towards a dream. The first feature length film made in Bhutan.
• Born into Brothels – Docudrama - An award-winning photographer, Zana Briski (Director) befriended the children of Sonagachi (Calcutta’s red light district), starting a photography workshop for them and equipping them each with their own camera.
Here’s my chance to do a little plug-in. So, yours truly was working through winter screenwriting a comedy about relationships – straight and otherwise. It’s slated to go into production early summer. Watch out for “A Knot, Full of Karma”. Until then, hit me up at girimohan@hotmail.com if you want to talk films or about my musings.
posted by Still in Trance @ 11:34 AM
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